Costume Controversy

The costume contest at the 5th Annual Lebowski DC Don't-Call-Me-"Fest"-Or-The-Real-Lebowski-Fest-Will-Call-Lawyers
showed that, whatever they are, this bunch ain't a bunch of amateurs.

After last year's simple, non-controversial choice, this year's decision, was, well, not exactly a lightweight. In the end, the winner ground up some ingenuity, percolated it through some dedication and brewed up a pot of victory. (I won't tell you what he did with the filter.)

But just because the losers are bereaved doesn't make them saps. So, they have their moment, too, in the West Wing.

Vote for your Lebowski Achiever in the comments. I give you, the Top Five:






1. Is there a Ralph's around here?








2. Are you a Lebowski Achiever?









3. Some Chinaman took them from me in Korea.











4. He has health problems.











5. He fixes the cable?

The DUDE Tournament - Champion

As the true NCAA tournament comes to a close in the other room (I refuse to watch any more Ohio State games, in any sport. Except perhaps bowling), so concludes the DUDE tournament in thissa here room, where we have thai sticks instead of bad calls, and Bob playing instead of 8(teen) year olds.

FINAL FOUR

1. Walter vs. 2. Brandt
No coincidence that today is the Jewish holiday of Passover: Three thousand years of beautiful basketball, from Moses (Malone) to Red Auerbach, you're goddamn right we're living in the fucking past. And in the lane.

12. The Urn vs. 4. Bunny
Where was she, when she didn't even kidnap herself? Winning, that's where. On the court, winning.

DUDE CHAMPIONSHIP

1. Walter vs. 4. Bunny
Bunny was a good player, and a good lay. She was...she was a nymphomaniac. She was a woman who loved cable, and Vegas, and as a sex fiend she explored the beaches of southern California, from La Jolla to the sandy back of a Volkswagon. She lost, like so many second-rate porn stars of her generation, in hi-definition. In your wisdom, Walter, you took her (to the hoop), just like you took so many others in this DUDE tournament to the hoop, including Woo, Liam, and 'Nam. These young players gave their wins. And so did Bunny. Bunny who loved Nihilists. And so, Bunny Lebowski nee Fawn Knutsen, in accordance with what we think your losing wishes might well have been, we remit your final, mortal, voluptuous remains to the bosom of Sheri in Logjammin, who you loved so well.

Good night sweet princess.

The DUDE Tournament - Sweet 16

In honor of March Madness, Lebowski DC presents the first DUDE tournament. It was difficult narrowing the field of characters down to 64--V.I. Lenin edged I am the Walrus in the play-in game, and the Flying Carpet and Pancake Waitress were snubbed. They didn't want to be hard-asses about it, but they've petitioned the league to possibly forfeit over the tournament to them.

The Dude himself will not participate. (Competition, you see, is very un-Dude.)

Here are the results from the first two rounds. Winners of each round in bold.

Round 1 - MALIBU REGION

1. Jeffrey "The Big" Lebowski vs 16. V.I. Lenin
Those freeloading Communists should do what their parents did, get a job, sir.

8. Black Cop vs 9. White Cop
This is kind of like pitting Lenny against Carl in a Simpsons tournament. The black cop quickly closed the book on this one.

5. Marty the Landlord vs 12. The Marmot
The amphibious rodent in a domestic, uh, within the city--the beating he put on Marty, that ain't legal either.

4. Malibu Police Chief vs 13. The Seattle Seven
Yes, he's a real reactionary. But he's also a great free-throw shooter.

6. The Auto Cop vs 11. The Corvette Owner
Leads? Yeah, the auto cop had a few leads. He lead by four late. But then the corvette owner just kinda exploded.

3. Knox Harrington vs 14. Nagelbett
Like Knox Harrington, the video artist, would have any trouble with that, ugh, techno-pop.

7. The Checker at Ralph's vs 10. The Coffee Shop Waitress
That little family restaurant didn't stand much of a chance against the mega-chain.

2. Brandt vs 15. The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers
They fought hard, those poor kids. Proud Brandt was of all of them.


SO-CAL REGION

1. Walter Sobchack vs 16. Burkhalter
The game had to be rescheduled (Walter doesn't ball on Shabbos). Walter told him a thousand times, but that kraut down at the league office must have forgotten, because he didn't even show up.

8. Woo vs 9. Blond Treehorn Thug
Ever thus to white guys, Blondie.

5. Cab Driver vs 12. The Eagles
I'm not a conspiracy-theorist, but something tells me he let them win.

4. Liam O'Brien vs 13. Da Fino
Word on the street is, Liam got angry when Da Fino was caught with his special lady before the game.

6. Pilar vs 11. Walter's Dirty Undies
Did you really think Pilar would have trouble handling the whites?

3. Smokey vs 14. 'Nam
Smokey conscientiously objected to the game.

7. Tony the chauffeur vs 10. The Big Lebowski chauffeur
Forget about it.

2. Jackie Treehorn vs 15. The Doctor
Jackie Treehorn doesn't slide down his shorts for any man, no matter how thorough he is.


CAMEROW REGION

1. Jesus Quintana vs 16. The Jewish Day of Rest
What's this day-of-rest shit? It didn't matter to Jesus.

8. Nihilist #2 (Kieffer) vs 9. Nihilist #3 (Franz aka Flea)
Flea stomped on him, then squished him.

5. Francis Donnelly vs 12. The Urn
The urn had range--up to 3,000.

4. The Dude's Car vs 13. The Ringer
The Ringer lost despite sending a ringer to play for him.

6. Little Larry Sellers vs 11. Mrs. Jamtoss
He stone-walled her.

3. Karl Hungus vs 14. The Trampoline Girl
He fixed her cable, if you know what I mean.

7. Bob vs 10. Credence
When Maude's thugs stole the rug, the tape with Bob remained unharmed, but when Little Larry stole the car, we didn't hold out much hope for the Credence. Need I say more?

2. Donnie Kerabatsos vs 15. The In-&-Out Burger
Those are good burgers, but not good enough.


NORTH HOLLYWOOD REGION

1. Maude Lebowski vs 16. Sherry in Logjammin
This game very quickly became ludicrous.

8. Black Dude in the Opening Credits vs 9. Hispanic Dude in Opening Credits
One made a 7-10 split, the other did a dainty fist-pump; you tell me who should have won.

5. The Toe vs 12. Nihilist Girlfriend
Game started at 2:30, the Toe had it by 3:00 in the afternoon. With nail polish.

4. Bunny Lebowski vs 13. Fawn Knutsen
Matching these two up in the first round was the best way to ensure that Tara Reid advanced. (Plus, Fawn couldn't stay in her zone defense once she saw Karl Hungus in the stands.)

6. Saddam Hussein vs 11. Richard Nixon
I'll take a bowler over a dictator any day.

3. Arthur Digby Sellers vs 14. Gary the Bartender
Ever hear of a little show called Branded? Not exactly a lightweight.

7. Maude Thug #1 vs 10. Maude Thug #2
I think that was the one in the cut-off shorts.

2. The Stranger vs 15. The Queen in Her Damn Undies
He won, and in English, too.


SECOND ROUND - MALIBU REGION

1. The Big Lebowski vs 8. The Black Cop
The black cop had a clear advantage, being black, but The Big L went out and achieved anyway.

4. Malibu Police Chief vs 12. The Marmot
The chief had a lot of fans, mostly anti-Semites, because he was playing in his home region.

3. Knox Harrington vs 11. The Corvette Owner
Anyone who is slovenly and wearing a robe in the early evening yet still able to buy a new corvette is doing something right.

2. Brandt vs 7. The Checker at Ralph's
Just like in the movie, the checker looked pretty disinterested. And, if you're Brandt, that's marvelous.


SO-CAL REGION

1. Walter vs 8. Woo
The Chinaman was not an issue, Dude.

4. Liam vs 12. The Eagles
It's a little-known fact, but apparently Liam hates the Eagles too.

6. Pilar vs 14. 'Nam
Nam left her lying face down in the muck.

2. Jackie Treehorn vs 10. Lebowski Chauffeur
Jackie Treehorn holds a lot of water around here, and the chauffeur has been known to spill a few beverages. I have no idea what that means.


CAMEROW REGION

1. Jesus Quintana vs 9. Nihilist #3
The Nihilist didn't believe Jesus could beat him. But that didn't matter to Jesus.

4. The Dude's Car vs 12. The Urn
The car survived two accidents and a crazed smashing, but it did get burned by the Nihilists at the end. And guess who was there to sweep up the ashes.

3. Karl Hungus vs 6. Little Larry Sellers
Hungus believes in nothing, including beating up on small children.

2. Donnie vs 7. Bob
All right. Way to go, Donnie.


NORTH HOLLYWOOD REGION

1. Maude vs 8. Black Dude from Opening Credits
If you watch carefully, the black dude throws a different colored ball from the one that actually completes the 7-10 splits in the opening credits. And the DUDE tournament doesn't allow cheaters.

4. Bunny vs 5. The Toe
Bunny really blew out the toe. (Actually, she had someone else blow it out for her. She couldn't blow that far herself.)

3. Arthur Digby Sellers vs 11. Richard Nixon
Yes, the beloved Branded author has health problems, but, let's face it, Nixon's dead.

2. The Stranger vs 10. Maude Thug #2
The thug used too many durned cuss words.

Join us next week for the Sweet Sixteen.

Washington Lebo'Skins

Sometimes there's a blog post -- I won't say a hero, 'cause what's a hero -- but sometimes there's a blog post, well, shoot, I done introduced the post comparing the SEC football teams to Simpsons characters enough.

Being as lazy as the Dude, I've decided to kidnap myself; myself, in this case, being the aforementioned post; SEC football teams being the Washington Redskins players; and Simpsons characters being, of course, Lebowski folk.

The Skins lineup is in our hands, Dude...

Dan Snyder = The Big Lebowski
Pretty much every season, the goddamn plane crashes into the mountain. And who does The Danny blame? The bums, of course. Some Chinaman took a GM from him in Korea. But he went out and achieved anyway. And he cannot solve that problem of you not being able to see because of your obstructed-view seat, only you can.












Vinny Cerrato = Brandt
We had not considered that we overspent for Archuleta, Dude.











Joe Gibbs = The Stranger
See how the "R" on his hat kinda curls up at the sides, like The Stranger's mustache? That's not a coincidence. Coach Joe is infinitely wise and often appears dead on the sideline. And who would really be surprised if, mid-third quarter, he turned to his left and said, "I dig your style, Buges, but do you have to use so many darn cuss words?"









Clinton Portis = The Dude
C.P., or Dollar Dollar Bill if you're not into the whole brevity thing, is as carefree as the Dude. No doubt he spent many summers at The U holding a beer in one hand and a joint in the other while crashing his car into a tree.













Jon Jansen = Walter Sobchak
We know from the stories of him hunting with Brunell and Ramsey that he shoots things, including perhaps Nihilists. And a man that size, well, he's got to have some dirty undies. Just look at these pictures. Jesus. (I said it, man.) Speaking of Jesus...









Marcus Washington = Jesus Quintana
A Marcus Washington tackle celebration is every bit as elaborate as the Jesus' strike dance. One might even say that Marcus jumps around like, dare i say it, an 8-year-old, Dude.

More to come, including Ade Jimoh as, yes, Smokey. (This is not Special Teams, this is bowling. There are rules.)

Dudeism

That some kind of Eastern thing?

The Dude is responsible for a new religion, says the Chicago Sun-Times: Dudeism. Say what you want about its tenets, at least it's an ethos.

Dudeism.com is actually a fantastic site. The writer of the article, however, needs to revisit a little Dude 101. In her attempt to cleverly play off the film's dialogue, she writes: "Perhaps that's what makes the Dude so dang appealing." Perhaps she meant "so darned interesting."

She goes on to call the Dude "lazy but not lackadaisical." We know she owns a dictionary--her lede references one. (And how refreshing it is to see the dictionary lede outside of a high school yearbook.) According to my dictionary, lazy is the second definition of lackadaisical. Perhaps we should cut her a break, though. The first definition, after all, is listless.

Our Great Reporter in the Field couldn't quite get a comment from Dudeism.com's creator; I'll admit, us Lebowski site builders are hard to reach. She did manage to track down our good friend Will Russell of Lebowski Fest, who is the primary reason this site changed URLs from lebowskifestdc.com. More on this un-Dude in a later post. But, for now, some on this un-Dude.

[The Dude] keeps rolling with the punches. They pee on his rug and he goes and gets another rug.

That's what Russell has to say in defense of the Dude "abiding." I've always found it pretty darned interesting--I'm sorry, pretty dang appealing--that supposed Lebowski pundits (and, in this case, Russell as well) interpret the Dude's action during the movie as Dude-like. The beauty of the movie is that we understand what the Dude is typically like even though he's rarely like that during the film--particularly when he aggressively, and uncharacteristically, takes the second rug at Walter's prodding. Hence Duderino's revealing line, "My thinking about this case has become very uptight," late in the film.

And, according to my dictionary, uptight doesn't mean lazy. It doesn't even mean lackadaisical.

The Fuckin' Eagles

I hate the fucking Eagles

The Eagles are getting back together. The Dude had not considered this possibility, and he's bound not to take it well. So, let's wish the Dude a hearty, take 'er easy.

That brings up a question: Did it ever surprise anyone that the Dude would have such hatred for a band who wrote the song, Take It Easy?

Fuckin-A

What does one say about such a finely edited video? Fuckin-A.

Anyone count how many "fucks" are uttered? Let us know.

Chronicles of an Angry Driver

I got a rash, man. Fuckin-A.

Our friend Chris Chase, a Lebowski DC co-founder who comes to each Fest as the Dude because, in the true spirit of the Dude, he's too lazy to find a real costume, ranks among the angriest drivers in Washington, which ranks him high in the running for angriest worldwide.

Yesterday he left me a lengthy voicemail that, in addition to being So Un-Dude, expresses his true road rage. Here it is, verbatim, in the parlance of our time:

"There's a lady in front of me who's yielding, when there’s no one to yield to, and my heater hasn’t come on yet.

"And my class was a full two hours and 45 minutes, and it was boring as hell, and some lady was talking about hypotheticals that would happen to nobody. So she’s just sitting there giving scenario after scenario. ‘Well, if you can’t do your field experience because a bear has mauled your sister-in-law, then here’s what you do, and if you can’t do your field experience because a 747 crashed on your neighbor’s house, then here’s what you do.’ I’m like, lady, give me something I could use.

"And why are we braking? It said left turn only. So now you’re getting in the right—Oh now you’re crossing the bridge. No shit, you have DC plates. Of course you’re going over the bridge. Goddamn. And now we’re going to brake and go three miles an hour up this hill. You have your fucking hazards on. Either turn em off, or get off the road.

"Are you still on the phone? [Jackie's Note: I was never on the phone.] Wow. I kinda blacked out there.

"Now you turn your hazards off. What, because the left turn at a 75-degree angle—are you fucking kidding me? Both of you! I hope you drive off the cliff, both of you. Right into the river.

"Where was I? Maybe I should read that book you and Ben got me.” [Jackie's Note: The book in reference was a self-help guide to anger management.]

Is This Your Homework?

Becker: This is why you lost the costume contest.

Perhaps They Towed It

We don't know how this little red number fit its way into that tight spot, but we watched the whole damn thing.

Even the part where the driver got out and waved.

We do know, however, that he dinged those other two cars. The driver is at large, but we have four men working on the case. Captain's got us working in shifts.