In honor of March Madness, Lebowski DC presents the first DUDE tournament. It was difficult narrowing the field of characters down to 64--V.I. Lenin edged I am the Walrus in the play-in game, and the Flying Carpet and Pancake Waitress were snubbed. They didn't want to be hard-asses about it, but they've petitioned the league to possibly forfeit over the tournament to them.
The Dude himself will not participate. (Competition, you see, is very un-Dude.)
Here are the results from the first two rounds. Winners of each round in bold.
Round 1 - MALIBU REGION
1. Jeffrey "The Big" Lebowski vs 16. V.I. Lenin
Those freeloading Communists should do what their parents did, get a job, sir.
8. Black Cop vs 9. White Cop
This is kind of like pitting Lenny against Carl in a Simpsons tournament. The black cop quickly closed the book on this one.
5. Marty the Landlord vs 12. The Marmot
The amphibious rodent in a domestic, uh, within the city--the beating he put on Marty, that ain't legal either.
4. Malibu Police Chief vs 13. The Seattle Seven
Yes, he's a real reactionary. But he's also a great free-throw shooter.
6. The Auto Cop vs 11. The Corvette Owner
Leads? Yeah, the auto cop had a few leads. He lead by four late. But then the corvette owner just kinda exploded.
3. Knox Harrington vs 14. Nagelbett
Like Knox Harrington, the video artist, would have any trouble with that, ugh, techno-pop.
7. The Checker at Ralph's vs 10. The Coffee Shop Waitress
That little family restaurant didn't stand much of a chance against the mega-chain.
2. Brandt vs 15. The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers
They fought hard, those poor kids. Proud Brandt was of all of them.
SO-CAL REGION
1. Walter Sobchack vs 16. Burkhalter
The game had to be rescheduled (Walter doesn't ball on Shabbos). Walter told him a thousand times, but that kraut down at the league office must have forgotten, because he didn't even show up.
8. Woo vs 9. Blond Treehorn Thug
Ever thus to white guys, Blondie.
5. Cab Driver vs 12. The Eagles
I'm not a conspiracy-theorist, but something tells me he let them win.
4. Liam O'Brien vs 13. Da Fino
Word on the street is, Liam got angry when Da Fino was caught with his special lady before the game.
6. Pilar vs 11. Walter's Dirty Undies
Did you really think Pilar would have trouble handling the whites?
3. Smokey vs 14. 'Nam
Smokey conscientiously objected to the game.
7. Tony the chauffeur vs 10. The Big Lebowski chauffeur
Forget about it.
2. Jackie Treehorn vs 15. The Doctor
Jackie Treehorn doesn't slide down his shorts for any man, no matter how thorough he is.
CAMEROW REGION
1. Jesus Quintana vs 16. The Jewish Day of Rest
What's this day-of-rest shit? It didn't matter to Jesus.
8. Nihilist #2 (Kieffer) vs 9. Nihilist #3 (Franz aka Flea)
Flea stomped on him, then squished him.
5. Francis Donnelly vs 12. The Urn
The urn had range--up to 3,000.
4. The Dude's Car vs 13. The Ringer
The Ringer lost despite sending a ringer to play for him.
6. Little Larry Sellers vs 11. Mrs. Jamtoss
He stone-walled her.
3. Karl Hungus vs 14. The Trampoline Girl
He fixed her cable, if you know what I mean.
7. Bob vs 10. Credence
When Maude's thugs stole the rug, the tape with Bob remained unharmed, but when Little Larry stole the car, we didn't hold out much hope for the Credence. Need I say more?
2. Donnie Kerabatsos vs 15. The In-&-Out Burger
Those are good burgers, but not good enough.
NORTH HOLLYWOOD REGION
1. Maude Lebowski vs 16. Sherry in Logjammin
This game very quickly became ludicrous.
8. Black Dude in the Opening Credits vs 9. Hispanic Dude in Opening Credits
One made a 7-10 split, the other did a dainty fist-pump; you tell me who should have won.
5. The Toe vs 12. Nihilist Girlfriend
Game started at 2:30, the Toe had it by 3:00 in the afternoon. With nail polish.
4. Bunny Lebowski vs 13. Fawn Knutsen
Matching these two up in the first round was the best way to ensure that Tara Reid advanced. (Plus, Fawn couldn't stay in her zone defense once she saw Karl Hungus in the stands.)
6. Saddam Hussein vs 11. Richard Nixon
I'll take a bowler over a dictator any day.
3. Arthur Digby Sellers vs 14. Gary the Bartender
Ever hear of a little show called Branded? Not exactly a lightweight.
7. Maude Thug #1 vs 10. Maude Thug #2
I think that was the one in the cut-off shorts.
2. The Stranger vs 15. The Queen in Her Damn Undies
He won, and in English, too.
SECOND ROUND - MALIBU REGION
1. The Big Lebowski vs 8. The Black Cop
The black cop had a clear advantage, being black, but The Big L went out and achieved anyway.
4. Malibu Police Chief vs 12. The Marmot
The chief had a lot of fans, mostly anti-Semites, because he was playing in his home region.
3. Knox Harrington vs 11. The Corvette Owner
Anyone who is slovenly and wearing a robe in the early evening yet still able to buy a new corvette is doing something right.
2. Brandt vs 7. The Checker at Ralph's
Just like in the movie, the checker looked pretty disinterested. And, if you're Brandt, that's marvelous.
SO-CAL REGION
1. Walter vs 8. Woo
The Chinaman was not an issue, Dude.
4. Liam vs 12. The Eagles
It's a little-known fact, but apparently Liam hates the Eagles too.
6. Pilar vs 14. 'Nam
Nam left her lying face down in the muck.
2. Jackie Treehorn vs 10. Lebowski Chauffeur
Jackie Treehorn holds a lot of water around here, and the chauffeur has been known to spill a few beverages. I have no idea what that means.
CAMEROW REGION
1. Jesus Quintana vs 9. Nihilist #3
The Nihilist didn't believe Jesus could beat him. But that didn't matter to Jesus.
4. The Dude's Car vs 12. The Urn
The car survived two accidents and a crazed smashing, but it did get burned by the Nihilists at the end. And guess who was there to sweep up the ashes.
3. Karl Hungus vs 6. Little Larry Sellers
Hungus believes in nothing, including beating up on small children.
2. Donnie vs 7. Bob
All right. Way to go, Donnie.
NORTH HOLLYWOOD REGION
1. Maude vs 8. Black Dude from Opening Credits
If you watch carefully, the black dude throws a different colored ball from the one that actually completes the 7-10 splits in the opening credits. And the DUDE tournament doesn't allow cheaters.
4. Bunny vs 5. The Toe
Bunny really blew out the toe. (Actually, she had someone else blow it out for her. She couldn't blow that far herself.)
3. Arthur Digby Sellers vs 11. Richard Nixon
Yes, the beloved Branded author has health problems, but, let's face it, Nixon's dead.
2. The Stranger vs 10. Maude Thug #2
The thug used too many durned cuss words.
Join us next week for the Sweet Sixteen.
