Chronicles of an Angry Driver

I got a rash, man. Fuckin-A.

Our friend Chris Chase, a Lebowski DC co-founder who comes to each Fest as the Dude because, in the true spirit of the Dude, he's too lazy to find a real costume, ranks among the angriest drivers in Washington, which ranks him high in the running for angriest worldwide.

Yesterday he left me a lengthy voicemail that, in addition to being So Un-Dude, expresses his true road rage. Here it is, verbatim, in the parlance of our time:

"There's a lady in front of me who's yielding, when there’s no one to yield to, and my heater hasn’t come on yet.

"And my class was a full two hours and 45 minutes, and it was boring as hell, and some lady was talking about hypotheticals that would happen to nobody. So she’s just sitting there giving scenario after scenario. ‘Well, if you can’t do your field experience because a bear has mauled your sister-in-law, then here’s what you do, and if you can’t do your field experience because a 747 crashed on your neighbor’s house, then here’s what you do.’ I’m like, lady, give me something I could use.

"And why are we braking? It said left turn only. So now you’re getting in the right—Oh now you’re crossing the bridge. No shit, you have DC plates. Of course you’re going over the bridge. Goddamn. And now we’re going to brake and go three miles an hour up this hill. You have your fucking hazards on. Either turn em off, or get off the road.

"Are you still on the phone? [Jackie's Note: I was never on the phone.] Wow. I kinda blacked out there.

"Now you turn your hazards off. What, because the left turn at a 75-degree angle—are you fucking kidding me? Both of you! I hope you drive off the cliff, both of you. Right into the river.

"Where was I? Maybe I should read that book you and Ben got me.” [Jackie's Note: The book in reference was a self-help guide to anger management.]